For Valentine’s Day, consider two lessons one may eventually learn about love. First, love is finite. Second, “love” is a verb.
First, remember that all love is finite. No matter how much you and your partner love each other, there is a good chance that one day you will lose that living connection to that person. Maybe your lover will leave you. Maybe you will leave your lover. But even if you both stay devoted to each other for the rest of your lives — unless you both happen to die in your sleep on the same night next to each other — one of you will go first, leaving the other alone.
All love is eventually lost. That is true whether we are talking about an amorous partnership, a family member, or a pet. We eventually lose all of our loves.
I know you are thinking, “Hey, it is Valentine’s Day, why are you being so depressing?” Well, one reason to recognize the limits on our love is so every day we prepare ourselves a little for that day when the end comes. You will never be prepared, but if you believe love is infinite, then the heartbreak, when it is sure to come, may be worse.
More importantly, another reason you need to remember that love is finite is so you will appreciate it when you have it. If you take a moment every day to remember that every day will not be like today, you will enjoy today and your love a little more.
The second lesson is to remember that “love” is a verb. This lesson comes from the singer Dion.
In his memoir Dion: The Wanderer Talks Truth, singer-songwriter Dion DiMucci recalled one day when he was young and facing marital difficulties, he ran into the priest from his neighborhood. The priest asked how he was doing. The troubled Dion responded that he thought he was no longer in love with his wife. The priest replied something to the effect, “Then love her. Love is a verb.”
We too often think of “love” as a noun, as in, “I’m in love with this person.” If you look at “love” as a noun, you see it is a magical thing that happened and is beyond your control. That may be fine, but if you see it as a magic potion, then some day you will be surprised to discover that magic potions fade.
As Gretchen Wilson has told us, sometimes there are days when one may not feel like loving the person they love.
If instead of thinking of yourself as “being in love,” you recognize “love” is a verb, you may see the world in a different way. Then, you see love as a choice and obligation. Every day, “I choose to love you,” not “I happen to be in love with you.” It is that choice we make to love others that gives hope to the human race.
Thus, when things get rough, remember that you can still love that person even if you don’t feel like it in the moment. And if you are lucky enough to have somebody or something to love, treasure each finite moment. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Photo by Chimesfreedom (at the British Museum). Leave your two cents in the comments.
In the video below, Bruce Springsteen sings “Valentine’s Day,” the closing song on his Tunnel of Love album. The song captures an underlying fear of any relationship, the fear of loss (“What scares me is losin’ you”). It’s one of the saddest songs about someone in a happy relationship.
But sometimes thinking about the fear of loss can make you appreciate the value of what you have. Check it out.
The performance is from October 15, 2005 in Madison, Wisconsin. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Photo of love birds by Chimesfreedom. What is your favorite Valentine’s Day song? Leave your two cents in the comments.
There are numerous songs about being in love. And there are almost as many songs about being hurt or angry at the end of a relationship, like No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak,” Coldplay’s “The Scientist,” Adele’s “Someone Like You,” Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River,” and Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know.” There are also songs about leaving a loved one, like Lynyrd Skynyrd’s classic “Free Bird” and Dolly Parton’s and Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” But few songs focus on the personal healing process when the post-relationship hurt and anger start to drift away. There are some such songs, and artists like Willy Porter and the Cowboy Junkies have addressed the slow process of recovery after a relationship’s end.
Heartbreak Recovery & Heartbreak
There are a number of reasons why few songs capture this post-relationship self-discovery state. That stage is not as exciting as love or anger, and not everyone goes through it. One may skip or block out that stage or maybe never fully reach that level of forgiveness necessary to be at peace.
But the post-relationship self-discovery stage is a wonderful step in one’s growth. It is just as important as other emotions because this step is about coming to terms with finding oneself as someone no longer defined by the former love/anger/hate.
A few popular songs come close to addressing this relationship stage without fully addressing it. For example, Kelly Clarkson has made her career on relationship ending songs like “Don’t Waste Your Time.” But her pop songs often focus on the anger.
Similarly, some of the lyrics of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” seem to be about this stage (“Well, I’ve been afraid of changing / Because I, I built my life around you”). But Stevie Nicks has explained the song is more about career and life directions. In “Missing You,” John Waite protests that he does not miss his love, but it is clear that the singer is still heartbroken and has a ways to go.
A major difference between the heartbreak recovery songs and heartbreak songs is the focus of the song. The songs written about the immediate end of a relationship focus on the other person, often having “you” in their title (“Since You’ve Been Gone,” etc.). The songs about healing and recovery are more about the singer, i.e., “I” or “me.”
“I’m Alive”
Jackson Browne captures this healing process in “I’m Alive.” The song appeared on his 1993 break-up album of the same name that was released after the end of a relationship.
Browne’s “I’m Alive” only covers the start of the transition from anger and hurt to the recognition of being alive (“I’m gonna have to block it out somehow to survive / ’cause those dreams are dead / And I’m alive.” It is one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs.
“Angry Words”
Two other songs go even deeper into end-of-relationship healing, including one by Willy Porter, a singer-songwriter from Wisconsin. Willy Porter’s “Angry Words,” from Dog-Eared Dream (1994), does an excellent job of capturing that feeling of relief where, after a relationship has ended, one wakes up one morning realizing life goes on.
I have cursed your name a thousand times or more; Your photograph lies deep at the bottom of my drawer; But when I looked at it this morning, I had no angry words to say, no angry words to say.
“Angry Words” has similarities to Gloria Gaynor’s classic “I Will Survive” and Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing.” But whereas Gaynor’s and John’s songs are about empowerment and surviving after a bad relationship, Porter’s song is about getting to that stage. Porter is not trying to prove anything to his lost love or convince himself he is fine. He is sorting through who he is and who he is going to be.
In “Angry Words,” the singer refers to “The coffee maker that you gave me it finally broke down.” The coffee maker reference shows time has passed while also symbolizing that the singer has reached a stage of breaking where he is building himself again: “I learned a little ’bout forgiveness, learned a little ’bout sin/ A little ’bout the soul of a man living within this skin.”
And that is what the stage of forgiveness is all about: learning about yourself and not letting the angry words dictate who you are.
“Sun Comes Up”
A song with a similar theme from the woman’s point of view is “Sun Comes Up, It’s Tuesday Morning” by the Cowboy Junkies with lead singer Margo Timmins. “Sun Comes Up” is a highlight from the band’s 1990 The Caution Horses album.
The singer in “Sun Comes Up” is not quite at the stage as the singer in Willy Porter’s “Angry Words.” But she struggles to find peace.
The singer in “Sun Comes Up” meets her friend Jen for lunch. She sees that her friend has been battered by a boyfriend or husband, so she remembers there are worse things than loneliness.
The singer then stops herself from calling her former lover. She reminds herself, “And anyways I’d rather listen to Coltrane / Than go through all that shit again.”
At the end, the singer is still struggling, but she realizes there are some simple benefits to being on your own, even if you miss the person you once loved.
Yeah, sure I’ll admit there are times when I miss you, Especially like now when I need someone to hold me; But there are some things that can never be forgiven; And I just gotta tell you, That I kinda like this extra few feet in my bed.
I love the line about the extra few feet in bed, because it is such a small thing. But the first step toward happiness is appreciating the small things.
After the song ends, I imagine some more time will pass, her coffee maker will break down, and she will end up with no angry words. And then, like the singer in “Angry Words,” she will not be “afraid of a new love that could be starting.”
The Power of Music
You know that the sophisticated and mature people in these songs will be okay, even as the songs provide insight to the listener too. On YouTube under one of the live videos of “Sun Comes Up, It’s Tuesday Morning,” someone confessed, “There were at least 5 years of my life that I would not have survived if it weren’t for this song.”
It is amazing what music can do for us, and I wish more songwriters would explore this stage of love. But we are lucky to have so many songs covering the stages of love. For all the lovers, the broken-hearted, and the healing hearts, may you find your song.
Check out a live version of the Cowboy Junkies’ “Sun Comes Up,” and an additional solo live version of Willy Porter’s “Angry Words” with some great guitar work. Can you think of any other songs fit this category of heartbreak recovery songs and coming to peace about lost love? Leave a comment.
There are many great love songs. But I am not sure there is a better one specifically about Valentine’s Day than Steve Earle’s song, “Valentine’s Day” from his 1996 album, I Feel Alright.
In this live version of the song below, Earle has The Fairfield Four providing backing vocals. And I’m not sure anyone has ever made a better video of a song.
The beauty of the song is how it turns the cliches around, reminding us that the things we associate with Valentine’s Day are things that really do not have much to do with love. The singer tells how he forgot about the holiday so does not have a card, flowers, diamonds or gold to give.
Finally, the singer offers an IOU and to make it all up to the person, concluding, “Until then I hope my heart will do.”
Many years ago, a newspaper published a list of the top romantic movies for Valentine’s Day, and the writer included Shane (1953) on the list. At first, the choice surprised me.
I had always thought of the movie as a great action Western. But after reading the article, I focused more on the relationship between Shane, played by Alan Ladd, and Marian Starrett, played by Jean Arthur. And I came to see that the author of the list was right.
The Unusual Love Story in “Shane”
The unrequited love between Shane and Marian is something we do not see in modern movies. The relationship is subtle, buried in hidden looks and unspoken feelings. They both are torn, as Marian still loves her husband Joe and Shane is Joe’s friend.
There are many things to love about the film Shane. It has great scenery, Jack Palance as a villain, the gunfights, and the decent man trying to change his life. But the Shane-Mariann relationship makes the movie more complex than your usual action yarn.
The Shane-Mariann relationship is so subtle that descriptions of the movie rarely mention it. I suspect that a modern movie version might feature a scene of the two having sex to make the same point made in Shane with a few words and glances.
When Clint Eastwood made Pale Rider (1985), largely based on Shane, he avoided a similar relationship in his story altogether. Instead he went for religious overtones, which was probably easier to do.
Shane’s Ending
{Spoiler ahead} The final scene of the movie is a classic scene in American film. Shane explains to Mariann’s son Joey: “There’s no living with a killing. There’s no goin’ back from one. Right or wrong, it’s a brand… a brand sticks. There’s no goin’ back. Now you run on home to your mother and tell her… tell her everything’s alright. And there aren’t any more guns in the valley.”
The wounded Shane rides off into the sunset. And Joey yells after him, pleading for him to return.
Interpreting the scene with our modern vocabulary, Joey yells the funniest line in the movie for those have picked up on the Shane-Mariann relationship: “Mother wants you. I know she does!” Although the child doe not know exactly what is going on, he has sensed some love.
Below is the trailer for Shane, although I do not understand why the trailer maker used the final scene of the movie in the trailer.
Jean Arthur & Alan Ladd
Another unusual aspect of the movie compared to modern movies is that the female lead, Jean Arthur, was more than a decade older than the male lead. Nowadays, too often producers choose older men to be romantic leads with very young women. But at the time Shane was released, Alan Ladd was 40 and Jean Arthur was 53.
Arthur had appeared in several great classic movies, including Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, but she was reclusive and did not like the limelight. She had retired prior to the making of Shane, and she made an exception to return to make Shane, which was her final film and the only one where she appeared in color.
When You Say Nothing at All
If Chimesfreedom were in charge of music for Shane, we would add “When You Say Nothing at All” to the final credits. The words capture the unspoken relationship between Shane and Mariann.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me, There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me, The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall; You say it best when you say nothing at all.
The version above by Alison Krauss and Union Station appeared on Keith Whitley: A Tribute Album (1994) and on Now That I’ve Found You: A Collection (1995). A live version appeared on Alison Krauss & Union Station – Live.
“When You Say Nothing at All” was written by Keith Whitley, a singer-songwriter who died at the young age of 34 from alcohol poisoning. Although Whitley only released four albums during his career, he influenced future generations of singer-songwriters. He wrote some beautiful songs like “When You Say Nothing at All.”
And yes, contrary to the song, Shane did leave her.
What other movies feature subtle romantic relationships? What about Casablanca? Leave a comment.
For Valentine’s Day, consider two lessons one may eventually learn about love. First, love is finite. Second, “love” is a verb.
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